Just when you thought things could not get worse
There is a rumor circulating our office that the boss’s wife, the spawn of satan herself will be re-entering the work force, more specifically, coming back to this office to work. Now you might be thinking, so what, she can’t be all that bad. Well you’re fucking wrong! As anyone who has met this insane bitch would attest, she is completely fucked up.
To celebrate, commiserate this, hopefully not impending event, I thought I might share with you a few choice excerpts from a document produced in the before time, an era that one could only wish they could forget .. the days of special k. (for the record, these are all verbatim quotes, names have been suppressed to protect the innocent. This document, at its peak, was 14 pages long). Enjoy (ps if you can think and read with a Canadian accent, all the better)
Bailing up a Member of staff (MOS) coming through the foyer “just ‘cause I don’t have a penis does not mean I am not a respectable human being”
Talking about our internet providers “they’re Chinese, they know what they are doing”
Again re the ISP to the Managing Director (her husband) MD “what the fuck’s going on, this is giving me the shits” Special K“.. it’s because they are Chinese, they don’t communicate well and they don’t run a very professional business”
After telling MOS that his report can wait until her computer is fixed “..i know I’m a bitch, but every office needs one”.
To MOS re smoking, “if you keep that up I’ll slap you round like I do my kids”
Apparently to no one “..yeah I’m just going to go home, have a drink and beat up my kids”
To MOS “..furgus (her child and being the spawn of the spawn I don’t apply the innocent theory to him) nearly got run over this morning.. it was really funny”
still on furgus’s Near Death Experience “..so I yanked him out of the way of the car…I wonder if I did the right thing”
"fergus had a dream i was kicking him in the head last night"
To MOS re moving to Asia “.. the water there is blue, or brown, and they just pee in it”
To MOS re Asia “..you don’t know, in phuket they just kill people and leave them in the forest, there are piles of bodies outside the perimeter”
about genetic modification “..you know you can’t just put a bit of a fish in a strawberry and not expect some kind of throw back”
"there'll be no nature in 15 years - we'll all be mutants"
To MOS “…if anyone ever asks you black or white… you tell them purple …. Purple … you know what I mean”
Should there be any demand, I will come back with more, there is no shortage.
To celebrate, commiserate this, hopefully not impending event, I thought I might share with you a few choice excerpts from a document produced in the before time, an era that one could only wish they could forget .. the days of special k. (for the record, these are all verbatim quotes, names have been suppressed to protect the innocent. This document, at its peak, was 14 pages long). Enjoy (ps if you can think and read with a Canadian accent, all the better)
Bailing up a Member of staff (MOS) coming through the foyer “just ‘cause I don’t have a penis does not mean I am not a respectable human being”
Talking about our internet providers “they’re Chinese, they know what they are doing”
Again re the ISP to the Managing Director (her husband) MD “what the fuck’s going on, this is giving me the shits” Special K“.. it’s because they are Chinese, they don’t communicate well and they don’t run a very professional business”
After telling MOS that his report can wait until her computer is fixed “..i know I’m a bitch, but every office needs one”.
To MOS re smoking, “if you keep that up I’ll slap you round like I do my kids”
Apparently to no one “..yeah I’m just going to go home, have a drink and beat up my kids”
To MOS “..furgus (her child and being the spawn of the spawn I don’t apply the innocent theory to him) nearly got run over this morning.. it was really funny”
still on furgus’s Near Death Experience “..so I yanked him out of the way of the car…I wonder if I did the right thing”
"fergus had a dream i was kicking him in the head last night"
To MOS re moving to Asia “.. the water there is blue, or brown, and they just pee in it”
To MOS re Asia “..you don’t know, in phuket they just kill people and leave them in the forest, there are piles of bodies outside the perimeter”
about genetic modification “..you know you can’t just put a bit of a fish in a strawberry and not expect some kind of throw back”
"there'll be no nature in 15 years - we'll all be mutants"
To MOS “…if anyone ever asks you black or white… you tell them purple …. Purple … you know what I mean”
Should there be any demand, I will come back with more, there is no shortage.
posted by scaryasakitten at 1:35 PM
5 Comments:
I'm demanding more. I think the world needs to know. She is a struggler
Are you sure, it could be like war veterans who, after living through the horror just keep playing the carnage over and over in their minds.
Especially seeing as you are the only one who reads this drivel. I can't afford you suing me for malicious and irreparable mental harm.
And then there were two (readers).
I'd like more.
The only two bad ones i have (old job) pale into comparison:
partner to junior (while dlicately holding a big glass of scotch in one hand and a fat stoogie in the other, at an absurdly expensive bar) "ha, and to think they put ME in charge of diversity in the workplace"
The other was a client ( CEO of massive public company): to the two managers, two partners of my old company, the CEO's executive and two more juniors: "so, head job or fucking, which orgasm is better? Me, Definitely headjob"
Dude, time to update. I expect pages 3 through 5 on my desk by 9am.
Sorry dude, I was away on Friday, will make concerted effort to provide a constant stream of entertainment and B) wow cool, other people, or person as the case may be.
Somewhat worrisome, never enjoy disappointing people when they come to realise I actually am as dull as I tell, but cool nonetheless, welcome to the roller coaster ride that is SAAK, actually more of a Ferris wheel, no .. hmmm bad analogy, more of a Carousel, that’s been decommissioned.
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