One more for now .... How about Employee Relations?

As a final instalment of our jouney into special k land, for the interim, I thought it would be nice to leave on the topic that is the main reason why employees leave this office, Employee relations.

As always, to protect the innocent MOS refers to a member of staff and MD is the managing director, also the spouse of satan. Do, if possible, use the strongest, most obnoxious Canadian accent you can muster;


to MOS re printing advertising brochures “they cost us one hundred grand, don’t go there”.. “ah ..” upon finding the figure “here we go…. three grand”

to MOS studies “ you can do more than one subject, it does not matter if you fail”

re MOS’s bad back “no I’m sorry, you get down on the floor and crawl around like a dog, that’s the only way to fix your back”.

To MOS re the pregnancy – MOS “ well it won’t be too long now” Special K “..are you kidding?.. you guys are going to have to put up with five more months of my bitchyness”

re MD’s computer - Special K "you fucked it, you fucked his fucking computer" MOS "it's working" Special k "oh"

Special K: “god, im such a fucking aggressive pregnant BITCH!”
MOS : “oh, and i was about to ask for a pay rise”
Special K: “yeah, but you failed your fucking exams didn’t you, you fucking loser! (insert hysterical laughter).... you thought i didn’t know about that?!!?

re: applicant wanting to discuss new job: "he wants to have this big discussion with someone on his level - well, you know what? get fucked buddy - send in your resume and join the queue with the other fuckers"

Re MOS’s holiday “I see MOS picked a great time to take off…bastard… that’s okay ill get him back.. lots of little things”

to MOS “..don’t, you know, monkey see monkey do with the MD, he’s a lot better than you … you’re just unsophisticated”

to MOS re taking a holiday “.. and that would be great for you too, you know .. you’ve had a tumultuous.” (apparently a tumultuous nothing in particular)

Special K Vs MOS on a client leaving Special K: " you gotta tell me when your client leaves" MOS "Well, you weren't here" Special K "I wasn't here a month ago? " MOS: "what?" Special K: "don't be a prick " MOS : "a prick?" Special K: "DON'T GIVE ME ATTITUDE!!" MOS: "ok" Km: " disrespectful piece of shit"

to MD re an employee “we should not pay her for the hours she worked for us, she just did a shitty job”

to MOS re client praise on an email “.. it’s nice to finally put something good on your personal file” followed by maniacal laughter, a shake of the head, and "i;m just joking, y'know?"

to MOS still on receiving a praising email from a client " she only sent that 'cause she hated dealing with me"

to MOS “I find dealing with you offensive”

to MD re MOS “im sick of it the smartarseness the disrespect I can’t deal with it, just get rid of them”

to MOS re the a report written “do you even read these… there not even gramatic”

to MOS “I don’t know why, but I have been superdooper productive today… I know you haven’t been”

to MOS re the a employee “…if she's ugly its your problem”

same topic "she could be pretty, she's work in a photography shop"

Re one of MOS’s friends “is he just a weirdo” MD “not really, why” Special K ”he just said god bless you… he’s weird”

To no one in particular re the new accident kit “I don’t want it, you guys can just pilfer from it for the next two years like usual”

To MOS “you should make babies while you are in Europe, they have such beautiful babies over there” (a new take on genetics?)

To MOS re another MOS “he’ll end up like that guy …. from that movie, you know that guy.. you know the movie …. I didn’t see it………” (what the???????? Apparently she was referring to Michael Douglas in falling down, well blow me down)


Well that's it for a while on the inner workings of the institutionally insane. Turns out that reliving this horror is not as emotionally cathartic as the far less entertaining drivel venting that SAAK usually comes up with.