apologies.. a little introspection

Last night scaryasakitten had the privilege of sitting at a table with him, her, her, him and her (now I know the done thing is to insert links, but since no one actually reads this shite it seems a little overboard).

These people were the embodiment of cool, beautiful, smart, witty and straight up and down funny and it occurred to SAAK, despite having one or two or three pints too many, that life actually was not being cruel to him imposing a life of solitude, rather it is natural section doing what natural section does naturally.

So I thank these lovely people for their company, their smiling faces and wise and witty words and wish them well on life’s adventures, new and old ….. and apologise for any gaffes on SAAK’s part.

*shuts up … returns to real life*

One more for now .... How about Employee Relations?

As a final instalment of our jouney into special k land, for the interim, I thought it would be nice to leave on the topic that is the main reason why employees leave this office, Employee relations.

As always, to protect the innocent MOS refers to a member of staff and MD is the managing director, also the spouse of satan. Do, if possible, use the strongest, most obnoxious Canadian accent you can muster;


to MOS re printing advertising brochures “they cost us one hundred grand, don’t go there”.. “ah ..” upon finding the figure “here we go…. three grand”

to MOS studies “ you can do more than one subject, it does not matter if you fail”

re MOS’s bad back “no I’m sorry, you get down on the floor and crawl around like a dog, that’s the only way to fix your back”.

To MOS re the pregnancy – MOS “ well it won’t be too long now” Special K “..are you kidding?.. you guys are going to have to put up with five more months of my bitchyness”

re MD’s computer - Special K "you fucked it, you fucked his fucking computer" MOS "it's working" Special k "oh"

Special K: “god, im such a fucking aggressive pregnant BITCH!”
MOS : “oh, and i was about to ask for a pay rise”
Special K: “yeah, but you failed your fucking exams didn’t you, you fucking loser! (insert hysterical laughter).... you thought i didn’t know about that?!!?

re: applicant wanting to discuss new job: "he wants to have this big discussion with someone on his level - well, you know what? get fucked buddy - send in your resume and join the queue with the other fuckers"

Re MOS’s holiday “I see MOS picked a great time to take off…bastard… that’s okay ill get him back.. lots of little things”

to MOS “..don’t, you know, monkey see monkey do with the MD, he’s a lot better than you … you’re just unsophisticated”

to MOS re taking a holiday “.. and that would be great for you too, you know .. you’ve had a tumultuous.” (apparently a tumultuous nothing in particular)

Special K Vs MOS on a client leaving Special K: " you gotta tell me when your client leaves" MOS "Well, you weren't here" Special K "I wasn't here a month ago? " MOS: "what?" Special K: "don't be a prick " MOS : "a prick?" Special K: "DON'T GIVE ME ATTITUDE!!" MOS: "ok" Km: " disrespectful piece of shit"

to MD re an employee “we should not pay her for the hours she worked for us, she just did a shitty job”

to MOS re client praise on an email “.. it’s nice to finally put something good on your personal file” followed by maniacal laughter, a shake of the head, and "i;m just joking, y'know?"

to MOS still on receiving a praising email from a client " she only sent that 'cause she hated dealing with me"

to MOS “I find dealing with you offensive”

to MD re MOS “im sick of it the smartarseness the disrespect I can’t deal with it, just get rid of them”

to MOS re the a report written “do you even read these… there not even gramatic”

to MOS “I don’t know why, but I have been superdooper productive today… I know you haven’t been”

to MOS re the a employee “…if she's ugly its your problem”

same topic "she could be pretty, she's work in a photography shop"

Re one of MOS’s friends “is he just a weirdo” MD “not really, why” Special K ”he just said god bless you… he’s weird”

To no one in particular re the new accident kit “I don’t want it, you guys can just pilfer from it for the next two years like usual”

To MOS “you should make babies while you are in Europe, they have such beautiful babies over there” (a new take on genetics?)

To MOS re another MOS “he’ll end up like that guy …. from that movie, you know that guy.. you know the movie …. I didn’t see it………” (what the???????? Apparently she was referring to Michael Douglas in falling down, well blow me down)


Well that's it for a while on the inner workings of the institutionally insane. Turns out that reliving this horror is not as emotionally cathartic as the far less entertaining drivel venting that SAAK usually comes up with.

A new take on customer and supplier relations …..

Not being a particularly creative individual, I thought I would continue with the theme of the last couple of posts, with that in mind I present to you the Office manager / Boss’s Wife / Spawn of Satan’s take on how best to manage clients and suppliers …..


“There is no need to be nice to these people, at all, lets just dick them around”

Speaking (yelling actually) to (at) some poor lady “its wrong, its wrong, its what’s his name doing a shitty job”

To same lady(after half an hour yelling at them) “oh, I may have to apoligise (without actually doing so), it seems I may have been mistaken”

To MD re a client (said with a very derisive tone) “... that client is just high maintenance” (something about pots and kettles comes to mind)

To MOS “..instead of harassing you I’m calling people up today”

to MD re IT Supplier: " i'm so fucking.... im so fucking angry.... fucking angry at the fucking level of professionalism"

To the bank “there is no such thing as a miscellaneous debit, it’s just the bank taking money miscellaneously”

To australia post “I hear what you are saying, but it does not jive with what I understand”

Still to australia post: "I DON'T UNDERSTAND!! I DONT UNDERSTAND!! fine... i understand that.... WHAT!?"

Apparently randomly and very calmly "..shall i threaten them?" MD "who"

To MD (who was not actually there at the time) Special K: "you wanna draft some stuff so i can send some stuff?"

To supplier. "What are you doing girl? stupid cowface"

“don’t be nice to that bitch, just be a c u n t, it's the way of the commercial world”

“I just can stand people being arrogant.. you know what I mean?” (are you joking?)

re office water filter change: "i,i,i dont even use it, so if other people start getting sick, we'll change it then"

Overlapping conversations Special K to MD “we need a new manager… get rid of vince” at the same time on the mobile MD “hi vince”

Re a client “and he sounds fat”

To MD “should I call and find out what the word on the street is?” MD “about what” Special K “I don’t know .. anything” MD “SHUT UP”

To an account manger over the phone “ so you’re just making notes on your computer now saying I’m a difficult customer, aren’t you, that’s what you’re doing right!!”

You've never heard anything quite as funny as special k going nuts at a girl by the unfortunate name of Honey, "you're just fucking wrong Honey!!!, Honey … never call me again!!"

Perhaps a thematic approach.

Given the overwhelming response to the first installment of special k-isms, I thought rather than the rapid fire random technique, we might indulge in a more orderly look at the workings of the completely insane.

Without further ado, never forgetting several important factors, this is a work environment, these are all verbatim quotes, the quoted has no sense of humour nor irony, she is also the managing director's spouse, lets have a quick look at special k the person; (as always this is best if read with a harsh Canadian accent, closely resembling finger nails down a blackboard)

Special K on Pregnancy;

To MOS (member of staff) on eating whilst pregnant “..you know, babies are just parasites”

To MOS about the unborn baby ..” "i wonder if its just sitting in there... dead"

To MOS announcing her pregnancy “..i can’t ski anyway, you know.. I’m cooking again.. you know”

To MOS “o’gosh..i’ve got to go, I have an appointment, have to make sure the baby is cooking properly”

“I’m sorry….. I’m pregnant and bitchy…. really really bitchy”

to MOS “you know..i’m just afraid that with all the fucked up things I do and say .. god’s going to give me a fucked up baby”

Re the new baby MOS “so it’s a boy” Special K“well, I hope so, it’s got balls… unless it’s an hermaphrodite”

to MD "i've got to go,.. get this thing taken out of me.”

To MOS “I’m going to have this thing on Wednesday, so I won’t be back in the office til Monday”

To the nanny service “I’m having this thing on Wednesday, so I can handle it till Monday.. but after that..”

To MOS “you know the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy I’d only eat once a day … you know starve them out … more managible”


This is not a complete history on the pregnancy debarcle, rather, a teasing short overview


Special K on Child Rearing,

re the new baby “.. he’s got hair now, but in two months he’ll look like he come for Austwitch”

re the baby, “ .. he’s really skinny, I like to keep them small inside so I can pop them right out”

Talking to MOS about not working full time “..you know I don’t want to be home with those screaming shit sacks”

re kayla (her, at the time, 3 year old daughter) “..if I don’t smack it out of her ..she’ll, she’ll… you know. …”

still re kayla “she’s a tyrant.. it’s just not on”

still re kayla “I don’t know where she got her attitude from” (if only she understood the concept of irony)

to MOS re kayla “at 2 ½ months she started to cry, so I went to “soothe” her … she got a start when she saw my face.. she was expecting the nanny”

Re kayla "shes a bitch. a real bitch. she just screams over the top of me"

Re kayla “..she’s only three and she’s just a bitch….fuck her, nah, she’s gorgeous, but a bitch”

Re kayla’s “so I said, if DOCS want her, they can have her .. but, you know, I didn’t mean it”

To MOS re Furgus (her 7 year old son) “I haven’t had to yell at my kid in two days, I just give him money and he does what I tell him, it’s great”

To the nanny “…and so I said Fergus, you don’t let people hurt you, you get up and kick them in the head”.

re fergus "Now, I'm shy, which is why Fergus has turned out the way he has"

re Furgus’s piano leasons “ ..and I’ll just say, furgus, if you don’t play I’ll break your other arm… they all think I’m nuts anyway” (this line was delivered through clenched teeth and accompanied by gestures of snapping small bones)

Re the children “if my kids were multi-lingual, they would be so saleable” (not sure if I would buy one though)

Special K “..you know, I wish my kids could be musicians, they make good money” MOS ” there are a lot of starving musicians in the world” Special K “…I know, but they’re always so much fun at parties”

"Sean’s (her 5 year old) my favourite now"


This obviously is just a background post, there will be more

Just when you thought things could not get worse

There is a rumor circulating our office that the boss’s wife, the spawn of satan herself will be re-entering the work force, more specifically, coming back to this office to work. Now you might be thinking, so what, she can’t be all that bad. Well you’re fucking wrong! As anyone who has met this insane bitch would attest, she is completely fucked up.

To celebrate, commiserate this, hopefully not impending event, I thought I might share with you a few choice excerpts from a document produced in the before time, an era that one could only wish they could forget .. the days of special k. (for the record, these are all verbatim quotes, names have been suppressed to protect the innocent. This document, at its peak, was 14 pages long). Enjoy (ps if you can think and read with a Canadian accent, all the better)


Bailing up a Member of staff (MOS) coming through the foyer “just ‘cause I don’t have a penis does not mean I am not a respectable human being”

Talking about our internet providers “they’re Chinese, they know what they are doing”

Again re the ISP to the Managing Director (her husband) MD “what the fuck’s going on, this is giving me the shits” Special K“.. it’s because they are Chinese, they don’t communicate well and they don’t run a very professional business”

After telling MOS that his report can wait until her computer is fixed “..i know I’m a bitch, but every office needs one”.

To MOS re smoking, “if you keep that up I’ll slap you round like I do my kids”

Apparently to no one “..yeah I’m just going to go home, have a drink and beat up my kids”

To MOS “..furgus (her child and being the spawn of the spawn I don’t apply the innocent theory to him) nearly got run over this morning.. it was really funny”

still on furgus’s Near Death Experience “..so I yanked him out of the way of the car…I wonder if I did the right thing”

"fergus had a dream i was kicking him in the head last night"

To MOS re moving to Asia “.. the water there is blue, or brown, and they just pee in it”

To MOS re Asia “..you don’t know, in phuket they just kill people and leave them in the forest, there are piles of bodies outside the perimeter”

about genetic modification “..you know you can’t just put a bit of a fish in a strawberry and not expect some kind of throw back”

"there'll be no nature in 15 years - we'll all be mutants"

To MOS “…if anyone ever asks you black or white… you tell them purple …. Purple … you know what I mean”

Should there be any demand, I will come back with more, there is no shortage.

Tell me if you think this is odd.

This morning, just like every other morning in this very predictable life, I found myself standing awaiting the 7.15 bus to the city. Now this is the same bus I catch every morning and generally there is same group of people are standing waiting for this bus, no eye contact, no chatting, you know, commuters. That’s obviously not the odd bit, just wait, we’ll get there together.

It’s a cold morning, hey it’s winter, so SAAK is wearing his Essendon beanie. Which I fell just accentuates the black suit, well that may just be me. Like all other mornings, SAAK is reading some enthralling statement issued from the ATO and listening to some crap on MMM, when all of a sudden he fells a tap on his right shoulder.

I may have mentioned this previously, but I do tend to drink my fair share, so at 7.15am not so much compos mentis. Hell at this point I’ve only had one cigarette and no coffee so some one touching me out of the blue comes as a fairly decent shock.

Any who, this complete random, who is one of the people waiting for bus decides he wants to strike up a conversation, now, I’ve been doing this commuting thing for a while now, I’m sure there’s some kind of law against this, at least some rule of etiquette. Worse still he decides to sit next to me on an otherwise near empty bus.

I’m going to have to catch a different bus now aren’t I. I don’t deal well with change.

Another day meanders by..

Just another lazy, dog dangling, afternoon here in the world of SAAK. The boss, his spawn of satin wife and their demonic offspring have bailed to the ski fields, my offsider is off studying, the receptionist is away ill and tweedle dee and tweedle dumb are out to a lunch.

During the six smokos taken today, I have been watching the passers by, not in a scary “I wonder how your skin would look as a tux” kind of way, but more in a “what the fuck have you got to look so happy about” way.

By my reckoning, one in ten people would have passed by with an inane grin on their face and I wonder, could life actually be that good … or do you just not have sense enough to know any better.

This second proposition seems far more likely, but then, if you don’t know the world sucks and life is difficult mayhap it’s possible to amble down life’s highway grinning all the way. If you think your happy are you?

Utopia via oblivion, I like it.